King Tut, his wah wah hut and a tired bunch of silly sausages.

Wow. We’ve done NOTHING apart from play shows for a very long time, and we’re finally drawing to a close. We’re currently in GLASGOW after playing EDINBURGH last night. Matthew and Alasdair are streaming football and Joe and Richard from COPY HAHO are sat in silence on their laptops, Googling themselves (probably). I haven’t rocked the blogosphere for a while so I’ll fill you in and tell you about where we’ve been:

BRIGHTON: Pissed it down. The sea was scary and the sky looked as though it was going to spill the apocalypse all over our lousy lives. We stayed at a friends place. The cat fucking loved me. I wrote a song about it, and forgot it straight away.

CAMBRIDGE: Amazing venue. Great support bands and friendly faces. Good Chinese restaraunt. Interview. Broken amplifier. Long drive home at night on lawless, dark motorways.

TWO DAYS OFF IN LIVERPOOL: My housemate’s birthday party. Breadsticks, bombay mix, olives and houmous. Spanish friend came to stay. He’s an epic church hall of a man. Watched a GOBLIN tribute band at STATIC GALLERY. Watched GOMARRAH at FACT, or whatever it’s called. Bleak as fuck and not all that good. Some complete dick-eater talked the whole way through it in a baritone warble. I love owning a bed.

NOTTINGHAM. Back on the road. A room full of people. TELLISON’S best show. They well nailed it. DOG IS DEAD deliver the goods and have improved ten-fold since we played with them. Load out. Aggressive huge man tries to set us on fire with his beady eyes. Fuck you. Get a smile on that dick sucker.

SHEFFIELD rules. Lots of good people. 3 drunkards fling their beers about, but they mean no harm. I develop an obsession with the Sheffield branch of TELLISON’S STREET TEAM (who appear to only have one member). She’s brings a cake. It’s got their faces on it. She had it printed at ASDA. Heckles about my Uncle Kevin. The cold weather begins. Snake pass at night, the lights of Manchester burning in the night.

WREXHAM is quiet as per usual, but a lot of fun. There’s a hilarious review somewhere online. Rape jokes on stage. Sorry. Good food. We say so long to TELLISON. We welcome SKY LARKIN to our tour.

YORK. Fibbers! This venue has improved greatly since fucking Barfly doesn’t run it. The people here are far too lovely for pricks like us. Unfortunately SKY LARKIN don’t get to play because some shit-lover sprayed Katie’s eyes with detergent from a water pistol from a moving car. She goes to hospital whilst we continue the rock show.

MANCHESTER. I mean, I like the Night and Day but its nice to play somewhere different. The Ruby Lounge is a totally awesome venue. We finally get to watch SKY LARKIN and they rule. I can’t remember the name of the openers but they were grand. The Great Gatsby. The Old Man and The Sea. Our first gaffer tape wallet is sold for 5 quids. It looks like rain, but thats what Manchester is famous for.

CARLISLE. A MASSIVE room filled with nice people. Vile weather. Stay over in Sunderland. Sweet cheeba, beer and a nice view of the sea.

NEWCASTLE. Great to see old friendly faces and to play with B>E>A>K again. They are totally one of our favourite bands RIGHT NOW. We go and DJ at the End Bar and get completely fucked up. I still feel ill now. Late night walk and fastfood. Sleepover and breakfast with a soundtrack of the Beach Boys. Grassy claims that ACDC sing about card games on their new record. “DAH DAH NAH NAH NAH PONTOON!”

Sorry. This blog is a fucking saga. Empires will have fallen in the time it takes you to read this dogshit.

PRESTON. I eat the worst Chilli I’ve ever eaten. I drink Roots Manuva’s apple juice and we play a show to a room full of freshers who have no interest in Hot Club de Paris. There are a few loyal fans at the front so we deliver rock specifically towards them. Attractive fans? Hot Club? Loneliness and madness.

EDINBURGH. I love Edinburgh. Drinking hard. Welcome COPY HAHO. Travel Lodge, Livingstone. Over sleep. Drive to Glasgow. Casserole at the 13th Note. King Tut’s Wah Wah hut. Right now. Tired. A plate of sandwiches that are never going to get eaten.

Next stop Aberdeen and the Highlands and home.

Thank you so much for coming out to the shows. You make our lives the funnest things to live.